Since I’ve been writing about getting away from blaming yourself, I thought it might be good to offer ideas of what to do instead. What’s the flip side of self-blame?

According to the thesaurus, the opposite of blame is applaud, commend, praise, and thank. So how can you do that for yourself?

Well, here’s one practice I love to do. It just feels so good and puts me in a great frame of mind at the end of the day. It’s originally from Jack Canfield, with a little twist of my own added to it. It’s simply called Appreciating Yourself.

This is a short exercise to do before you go to bed. You acknowledge all the little (and big) things you’ve done during the day and appreciate yourself for them. Doesn’t sound like much, but the impact of this little practice can be surprising. It’s different for everyone, but here are some possible benefits:

• Personally, my stress level dropped. Do you ever focus only on the things left to do? Wonder where the day went? Or criticize yourself for not getting enough done? Well, that was my story. This practice totally changed my perspective when I saw how much I was accomplishing.
• For some people, this can be a real confidence-builder as they give themselves the recognition we all want. Now they’re not so driven to seek approval from others.
• It can also help with gracefully accepting praise and compliments, if that’s a struggle for you.
• You might cut down on your self-critical remarks. This helps set a new norm for self-talk.

So here’s how the practice goes.

This exercise is best to do just before bedtime, when your day is still fresh in your mind.

Stand in front of a mirror. First, look yourself straight in the eye for a few seconds. Then maintain eye contact throughout the exercise.

Then say, “(your name), I appreciate you for the following things,” and follow up with:

• any accomplishments – personal, emotional, business, financial, educational, household, spiritual, interpersonal, etc.
• any personal disciplines you followed through on – dietary, exercise, spiritual practice, study, etc.
• any temptations you refrained from – staying up too late, watching excess TV, that second brownie, bad-mouthing somebody, etc.

Finish by saying, “(your name), I love you,” and continue looking into your eyes for a few extra seconds.

So it could sound something like this: “Janet, I appreciate you for the following things today: You got up early and did your spiritual practices. You ignored your craving for a sausage croissant and ate a healthy breakfast, and went to the Y and had a good workout. You had a good talk with Jackie and were honest with her. It made you both feel better to clear the air. You got those packages in the mail. You contacted the Yoga House about workshop space. You gathered your notes to write the blog post and put great TLC into it. You checked on the size for Jim’s birthday gift, and will really be getting him something he wants. Good job – not easy to buy for a 16-year-old boy! You wrote some great copy for your website. You called Robin back to set that appointment. You answered all your emails. You called the new graphic designer and started a good relationship with her.”….., etc.

Now go to bed, filled with good feelings, and beneficial neurochemicals flowing through your bloodstream.

Some people find it uncomfortable, especially looking into their own eyes, because it’s new. Some people feel embarrassed and some people even cry! That’s okay. Any discomfort soon goes away as you practice.

Here’s a PDF copy of the exercise for you to print out to help you get started.

(I keep a copy between the bed pillows so I don’t forget to do it.)

For extra punch

You can tap around the tapping points while you’re doing this exercise for even more powerful benefit. It’s another way of using affirmations with EFT– always a great way to work with your positive side.

So let us know how it works for you. Come back and leave a comment below.

Yes, here we are talking about self-blame again. That’s because it traps so many people, and because getting rid of it creates such freedom, that I’m covering another aspect of it here.

In the last post, Self-Blame Or Personal Responsibility?, the emphasis was on how blaming yourself can creep in on you and keep you stuck.

OK. But sometimes self-blame actually seems useful. Why would you let go of something useful? Doesn’t make sense.

Self-Blame As Motivation

Maybe it feels motivating to scold yourself for what you coulda-shoulda done. Maybe that’s what gets you into action. Your Inner Drill Sergeant makes it perfectly clear how it’s your own darn fault that you’re in the position you’re in. So it’s up to you to get out of it. And that’s how you get yourself moving on your projects or personal changes. So self-blame really IS useful. Or so it seems…

While it’s powerful to realize you’re in charge of your own life, using blame to get there is a poor choice. Here’s the truth: Scolding yourself into action may work in the short term, but it won’t hold up over the long haul. Self-blame as a motivator is not sustainable.

Sooner or later, you’ll tell that part of you to buzz off because you’re sick of being yelled at. So now you have an inner stand-off going on. And that keeps you stuck.

It just doesn’t feel good to be dreading the next scolding. And it’s hard to feel positive while you’re feeling ashamed about what you did or didn’t do.

Letting It Go

If riding yourself is a familiar motivator, it may be a challenge to give it up. But it will be SO worth it! Self-blame is a destructive practice that can really keep you from moving forward.

Being willing to release it comes from trusting yourself to come up with positive alternatives (and your resources and community). From there, it just takes practice:

• Practice noticing when you blame yourself.
• Practice letting go of it.
• Practice motivating yourself in other ways.

And of course, EFT is a great way to help release those old self-blame patterns and the teachings behind them.

How does this work for you? What are some alternative ways you motivate yourself? Share your experience with the rest of us by leaving a comment.

We’re encouraged to take personal responsibility to empower ourselves. It does feel good, doesn’t it? I admit it can be scary, but the strength of it feels great. When I’m taking responsibility for my life and there’s a problem, I’m in charge of the solution. It’s my choice. Since I like being in charge, that’s good news to me.

Plus I don’t have to wait for somebody else to change, or for a circumstance to change – none of which I can control. So I vote YES on taking personal responsibility.

But in the process of doing that, self-blame can creep in. Without me even noticing. So what? you might ask. Isn’t that part of taking responsibility? Isn’t that a good thing?

My answer to both questions is a large NO.  Because it’s just not constructive to blame yourself. In fact, it can keep you seriously stuck.

Self-blame says:

• I need to fix myself.
• I need to punish myself in some way.
• I need to regret what I did.

Since I’m not sure how long these things take, or when I’m finished, I could stay here a long time. I keep telling myself, “I should know better. I shouldn’t have done that. If I scold myself enough, maybe it won’t happen again.” Etc.

And while I’m blaming myself, it keeps me in a looking-back position — focused on the past. Also an unhelpful place to hang out.  I’m speaking from plenty of personal experience here.

On the other hand, taking responsibility simply requires me to see my part in what’s going on. I can do that honestly AND without self-blame. So first I take a close look.

Then I just ask myself: Do I want to change something? If so, what are some options? What action do I need to take to change things? This keeps me in a looking-forward position – focused on the future. And that draws me ahead in the direction I want to go.

And here’s a bonus: When you let go of the whole self-blame thing, your creativity has some room to breathe. It’s really liberating! You can see so many more possibilities when you’re not bogged down in the heaviness, the negative energy, and thought-spinning of self-blame.

Try setting the blame aside and see what happens. (If that’s tricky for you, EFT can definitely help.) What are your thoughts? Leave a comment and let us know.

It can be easy to watch yourself stalling and just label it procrastination. Then what do you do about it? Do you scold yourself to try to get moving? Sometimes that can spur you on, but the momentum sure doesn’t last. And it feels awful!

What feels better is to look a little closer. If you can see the hidden feelings and beliefs, you can do something with that. Simply seeing what’s really going on can shift your perspective.

So what’s hiding underneath putting something off? Sometimes the answer has to do with hope. Seems weird, no? But here’s how it goes.

Let’s take dating as an example (or I should say NOT dating). A client wants to find a partner. She’s been intending to start going out with guys again, but has put it off for three years.

Now here’s the hope part: She has a beautiful idea of what her partner could be like, and the wonderful life they could share together. She really hopes her dream can play out in real life. But if she starts dating, and it doesn’t happen, she’ll risk losing that hope. Forever. (Or that’s what it seems like, anyway.)

It feels better to at least have the dream, the hope that she could live happily ever after with her ideal man. If she doesn’t date, she won’t have to chance having her vision not come true.

So she doesn’t get started. There’s too much at stake – that sweet, precious hope. It feels HUGE – and so all-or-nothing.

So there’s the fear: I’ll lose my dream that feels so good when I imagine it. I’d rather have the certainty of feeling good about a dream, than to risk losing it by starting to date.

Sounds a little wacky when you say it out loud, but who says feelings and beliefs make sense?

I saw myself stuck by my hope last week. I’m in a new place, and decorating my living room. I kept putting it off because I had a picture in my head of how I wanted it to turn out. What if I pulled it all together and it turned out crummy? I’d rather have my hope of how fabulous it MIGHT look than to risk it by actually moving ahead.

Once I realized that’s what was going on, it freed me up to get rolling on my project. Sometimes just shining the light of logic on your fears can make them evaporate.

And sometimes it goes a little deeper. I’m not saying it’s always that simple. But if there’s something you’re putting off, just ask yourself, “Am I loving the dream picture too much to move ahead?”

Let me know what you think and leave a comment.

Pretty strange watching myself stall in the last week. I’m making changes in my business and seriously dragging my feet. I knew one big way I could help myself was to use EFT* and tap on my fears of change. Jeez! I mean, that’s what I do for other people. Get them unstuck using EFT. I was feeling pretty lame, I have to tell you.

There was no doubt about how much better I’d feel, but I wasn’t doing it. AND I wasn’t moving forward with projects. I got a lot of OTHER things done while avoiding them, and that’s nice. I was doing my best to avoid being mean to myself. But still . . .

As luck would have it (or outstanding cosmic timing, depending on how you look at it), a couple of clients were in the same spot. In helping them, I remembered something I’d forgotten:

Being on the brink of change brings up HUGE resistance. Especially when it’s a big change. Oh, yeah… This is normal. This is natural. And it’s just a reaction. Period. You can realize that, acknowledge it, and move on.

It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, it would be a little weird if some version of this didn’t happen. Your lizard brain is trying to keep you safe. It’s doing whatever it can to get you to not rock the boat, and not make a change. Hey, good job, Lizzie! (Thanks, Pam Slim, for the suggestion to name and make friends with my reptile brain.)

Sometimes watchdogs bark when there’s no real threat. Same deal with the lizard brain. Somehow, just the realization that my stalling was a result of a natural reaction gave me the freedom to go ahead. Nothing big needed fixing first.

How do you help yourself when you see you’re avoiding what you want to do?

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*EFT is Emotional Freedom Techniques, a rapid change tool you can read more about here.

(Rather listen? Turn up your speakers and click on the arrow.)

You’re right in the middle of your project or a client session, going full-out. Feels great, doesn’t it? Just being totally immersed in what you love. Almost as if you and your work are one — no separation.

On one level, that’s an amazing thing – the Zen concept of being one with your work. But on another level, fuzzy lines between you and your work can be a serious problem.

It’s about boundaries — where you end and your work starts. Keeping these clear is critical to maintain sanity and momentum in your business. You have to realize that you, the essential you, are separate from your work.

How this plays out in real life

Say you put on a workshop and just a few people show up. If your boundaries are clear, you know it’s the workshop that’s the problem. Some aspect of your workshop game plan needs improvement.

OK. Back to the drawing board. Time to examine what you did and ask for some outside perspectives. Maybe you feel disappointed or annoyed, but the world is not coming to an end. It’s just one workshop, after all.

But if the lines between you and your work are fuzzy, YOU feel like a failure. You think YOU’RE the problem. You feel ashamed or embarrassed, rejected, blaming yourself – all that crummy stuff that comes from believing that you ARE your work.

Now this personal failure takes a much bigger solution: a bunch of inner work to find and fix the issue that caused the failure. Meanwhile, your fears are multiplying about ever doing another workshop. It may be a long time (like maybe never) before that happens…

Do you see the difference? When you clarify that boundary between you and your work, some cool things happen. Like it’s so much easier to take a risk and try something new.

Because you’re not putting your soul on the line. You’re just trying a new thing. There’s not nearly as much at stake.

You can still give your best energy to the work you love. Just do it with the knowledge that you and your work are separate entities. Keep those lines clear and feel the freedom it creates.

What do you think?

Beliefs are simply thought patterns. Thought patterns are created from thinking the same thought over and over again. That’s it! That’s all that beliefs consist of.

However, the consequences of beliefs are far from simple. Beliefs drive our behavior, our actions and our decisions. They are powerful and ultimately determine our level of happiness, effectiveness and satisfaction.

The good news is that beliefs aren’t permanent. They are changeable. They are disposable. You CAN let go of them – no matter how long you’ve held them.

Powerful Beliefs

When beliefs get really strong is when they’re anchored by emotion. They get embedded at a deep level – especially when we’re young. It’s just the mechanics of how our brains and energy systems work.

So if your belief arose from a teaching by someone you felt strong emotion towards – good or bad — that belief can be solidly entrenched. It can seem like the truth, not just a belief.

If your belief comes from a thought pattern about an event hooked to big emotions, the same thing can happen. For example, if you were razzed when you flubbed your speech in 7th grade, you probably hold the belief that public speaking is humiliating. The shame and embarrassment you felt was a strong emotional link to your thoughts about the event (the speech). The resulting belief can feel like absolute fact.

A strong belief can also grow out of lots of repetition of the same thought, too — even if there wasn’t a big emotional connection. So if you hear “Our people don’t dress like that” enough times, it can feel like the undisputable truth. Even when logic tells you something different.

But no matter how strong the anchor, or how powerful the belief, it CAN be released. If a belief is not serving you, and you don’t want it driving your life anymore, you can let go of it. There are various ways to do this, but I recommend EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). It’s the fastest, most effective tool I know of to eliminate unwanted beliefs.

You Don’t Need To Replace Beliefs

And you don’t have to replace one belief with another one. Many people get stuck here. They think they first have to come up with a new belief system. They need a new ideology, or another person whose belief system they can adopt before they’re willing to release their old one.

It’s just not necessary. There’s a myth that before you can let go of an old belief, you must have a new one lined up to plug into that spot. But the truth is, left to your own true essential heart self, you would always choose good thoughts. You would choose the positive choice every time. So you don’t have to shop for a new belief to guide your behavior.

Look at innocent little kids. They always go for the good stuff. They’re attracted to it. And YOU would go for the good stuff naturally, too — once your limiting beliefs are out of the way. That’s what your true nature is. Don’t let that belief replacement myth stop you from releasing beliefs that don’t serve you.

If you want some help letting go of beliefs that are keeping you stuck, that’s my specialty. Give me a call at 805-835-5566 or email me at janet [at] janethilts.com and we’ll discuss how we can move you forward.

When you’re stuck, the most powerful first step you can take is to release your self-blame. I see this with countless people in so many different situations. The same step works for them all.

Blaming yourself is a crippler and a complete action-stopper — which is why letting it go creates astonishing freedom to move forward.

But There’s Nobody Else To Blame

So why do you punish yourself in the first place? Well, it can seem like a good thing — like if you pay the price you owe for The Thing you did wrong, then you’ll be free. If you can pay the debt for your mistake then life will be good again.

But when is enough enough? How do you know when you’ve completed your punishment?

Holding onto self-blame can seem constructive in another way: It could make you careful and prevent you from making a mistake. That could seem very valuable – so you won’t do The Thing again. But the truth is that you can keep the wisdom from lessons learned WITHOUT punishment.

The truth is that self-blame never helps. Never! It totally weighs down your heart and your spirit. It dampens creativity, blocks intuition and is a ball-and-chain that slows you down, sometimes to a complete standstill.

Two big ingredients here are shame and anger. Those two tie up together in self-blame – the heaviest, strongest anchors that can drag you down, prevent action and stifle movement.

People are really reluctant to give it up. They’ll feel guilty if they don’t blame themselves. They did something wrong and they need to pay. It just wouldn’t be right to let it go.

Hey – I’m not saying it’s logical. The biggest things keeping you stuck are never logical. They’re challenges based in emotions and beliefs, which is precisely why solutions based in logic don’t fix them.

Astonish Yourself Instead

It’s just astounding to see what can happen when you release self-blame. Along with it evaporates any related regret and guilt – two more action-killers.

Freedom is created by first taking a look at The Thing you did. Go ahead and judge whatever you did (or said or thought…). That’s right — BE judgmental. Your judgment is important, helping you clearly look at something and say I don’t want to repeat that. Your discernment about what works and what doesn’t – that’s what allows you to learn from past mistakes.

Next, you need to release the blame. This is the real magic that allows you to move forward. I have seen this one step create absolute miracles, really. A doctoral candidate finished her dissertation. A bodyworker finally started charging what’s she’s worth. A salesman began successfully selling again. A writer moved through year-long writer’s block. And the list goes on….

What amazing things will you accomplish when you release your self-blame? If you know how to do this effectively on your own, go for it. EFT would be the perfect tool to help with this. The payoffs will blow you away!

And if I can help you, I’d be delighted! Email me at janet [at] clearing-pathways [dot] com or call 805-835-5566.

(If you’d rather listen, turn up your speakers and click the arrow.)

“Chase down your passion like it’s the last bus of the night.” I love that quote from Glade Byron Addams! It has some real fire to it, and dreaminess, and hope — all great things to experience.

The chase is so romantic, isn’t it? It opens countless possibilities for happy endings. So many fantasies…

And that’s the problem. Those endings are just fantasies — always off in the future somewhere.

What If…

What would happen if the chase were over? If you actually caught up with your passion? What if you stopped running after it and grabbed it?

OK. Catch your breath now. I know it can be a scary thing to do, because I’ve been there and so have many of my clients. To leave that dream world and get real with your heart’s desires is a huge step. It brings on a big mix of feelings.

No Thank You!

You might resist ending this chronic reaching for dreams. The reasons lie below our conscious level of thought – making them more powerful. Here are a few of those reasons:

• You love the seductive sweetness of the longing and hoping that feels good and optimistic.
• You’re afraid of problems that could occur if you catch your passion.
• If you stay in the dreaming stage, you don’t have to find out if you can really make your plan work. You don’t have to risk disappointment (you think).

Look at the irony in those beliefs: Those feared problems ARE unsolvable because they’re not real – they’re just fantasies, too. By staying in chase mode, you’re SURE to be disappointed because you won’t see your dreams materialize.

When The Chase Is Over

There’s fresh excitement to grabbing that desire and seeing what it’s really made of. It’s a new kind of exhilaration to stop dreaming and start creating plans you can carry out. You can redirect all that chasing energy into taking concrete actions.

New fears may pop up now, too. That’s not unusual. But here’s the good news: These fears pertain to reality, not fantasies. So they will have real solutions to them. Other people have overcome these challenges before you. Their experience can offer you ideas.

So leave the chasing to the dreamers and the poets, and grab your passion and get into action!

How can you be sure what your gut sensation is really saying? Is it your intuition, your Highest Self speaking to you? Is the wise part of you telling you this is the wrong choice for you? A solid “knowing” that another option is better?

Or is that feeling just resistance to something that could be great for you? Is it just a reactive “no-ing” where the fearful part of you is resisting, purely out of discomfort of some kind?

Ultimately, you’re the only one who can answer this question for yourself. Others can offer their opinions and their guidelines. Don’t get me wrong – those can be helpful. But in the end, your inner voices speak to you in a unique way. The accurate interpretation of what they’re saying is totally in your hands.

How Can You Tell?

You build this skill the same way you build others – by doing it, learning from your experience, and coming to trust yourself. Here’s how you can get started so you can be confident in reading your own inner messages.

Observe Yourself

Start by watching what happens for you. Is your first instinct usually your best one? For some people this is absolutely true. But for me, it’s not. My resistance can kick in so automatically sometimes that it’s my very first knee-jerk response. The way I’ve come to know this is by watching myself – by observing.

Your physical sensation can be a clear indicator, too. One friend gets a powerful feeling in her gut when something’s intuitively not right for her – it’s her signal for a “know.” But my belly remains calm in that case. When I get a feeling in my belly, it’s the “no” – when I’m resisting purely out of fear.

Start noticing your own signs of clear instinct and highest self messages. Do you feel a sense of calm and certainty in your sense that something isn’t a good match for you?

Also watch what happens for you when you’re just resisting something you know could be great for you. What words show up in your head? How do you feel it in your body? What other behaviors go on for you? (I lose focus and start distracting myself with busy work.)

Take Note

Write your observations down. I know – sounds like too much trouble. But here’s the thing: When you’re making important choices and decisions, your emotional energy is high.

This can make it hard to remember what really happened last time. If any kind of fear comes up, it can distort what you remember about how your intuition best serves you.

So keep a place in your journal, or a folder on your computer desktop. Just jot down what you see happening.

Act On It

Now take action on what you “know” – those messages from your highest self. Your instincts and intuition are solid and trustworthy. That’s true for absolute everybody — not just a select few. Learning to trust your instincts just takes practice. You build trust in your intuition by paying attention, acting on the information you get, and watching your results.